Monday, 7 November 2011

The new band's new album's new cover.

I don't have a band with which to record, remix, rewind or release a record, but when I do...

Onion Leaf Hammer - Pedantic Buffoonery

Friday, 16 September 2011


At first I was like:

The rain, the hills, the impatient road-users, the text message that never comes, the hunt for wi-fi, the forgotten keys, the bent wheel, the spots, the mouldy fruit, the feeling of being out of touch, the worn out battery, the washing, the claustrophobia, the beautiful things that have been thrown away, the perpetually empty water bottle, the pressure, the junk, the potholes, the fizzy houmous, the city, the blunt knife, the noise, the expectations, the rust, the negativity.

But then I was like:

The sunshine, the tailwind, the smiles from strangers, the coffee with friends, the wonderful books, the sofa for the night, the new wheel, the haircut, the ripe tomatoes, the workshop laughs, the dynamo hub, the new shoes, the endorphin-high, the feeling of being the epitome of bicycle-powering humanity, the chocolate soya milk, the relief, the treasures, the bunnyhop, the potato cakes, the pubs, the new blade, the music, the anticipation, the stainless steel, the future.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Welcome to 'Animals that are well-suited to their environments' appreciation night!

This was going to be a massive rant about the gratuitous dramas generated in a mere bloody bicycle shop, but let's brush that aside in favour of a quick discourse about a random comparison.

I was involved in a conversation the other day about tuna and, for some reason (probably because they're my favourite animal), I compared tuna to pigeons. I couldn't really figure out why, but I think now it's because they have a similar shape, build and style (ellipsoidish, big-breasted and swift), and are both examples of finely honed evolution that's suited them perfectly to their environments, either natural or adopted.

Tuna can swim at 70 km/h and pigeons can fly at over 100 km/h, and both do this with precision & style.

I wonder if pigeons and tuna realise how lucky they are to have the abilities they do; do they enjoy racing through the air and water in a way humans can but dream about? Probably not. It's probably just everyday stuff to them, and if that sort of thing did cross their minds they'd quite likely also be envious of humans' ability to ride bicycles and do the many things involving opposable thumbs. Or any thumbs, for that matter.

Bleeurgh, it's quite late and have no idea why I'm writing this and I'm rambling but, basically, don't eat tuna (apex predator, yadda yadda yadda, food chains, blah blah blah, trophic levels [how many tonnes of consumed biomass lie below a several-hundred-kilogram bluefin tuna on an energy pyramid...?], this, etc.) and start loving pigeons (they don't carry diseases communicable to humans and are rather pleasant to observe).

I'm actually falling asleep on my keyboard so I'm gonna wake things up by finishing with David Guetta, again:

I love (cheesey) house music.

(And Wikipedia.)

Thursday, 11 August 2011

A lonely Peckham bin


Saturday, 6 August 2011

17000 miles an hour!

Along Ice-T & Jay-Z I too have 99 problems.

But all those little problems faded to naught when I popped out onto the roof of the pad and gazed at the surprisingly clear sky: Hark! what is that star that moves so brightly across the heavens? Too slow to be a meteor, too fast to be a jetliner, the smoothness & swiftness of its passage can only be LEO. Ah, ISS, how you represent both magnificent isolation and lonliness and yet always have a steady stream of visitors.

You should see it too! It's ace:

Thursday, 4 August 2011


Sometimes proceeding to the general practioner can be perchance perceived as productive as would have been a puffin pissing on the petroleum pyre pouring from the Piper Alpha platform.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Exit Music For A Fool

I want this played at my funeral.

Not that I plan on having one anytime soon.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Everything Is Average Nowadays

William Hill and Paddypower, despite The Kaiser Chiefs' assertion that everything would be just plain ol' vanilla average, gave pretty long odds that everything would turn out average, and, as it turns out, the bookies, as per, rake in the profits.

So, everything turned out, in line with the odds, worse than expected BUT, concerning everything...


Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Ode to Jam

(To the tune of "Ode to Jam")

Freude, schöner Götterjamen,
Tochter aus Elysijam,
Wir betreten feuerjamen,
Jamlische, dein Heiligjam.
Deine Jamer binden jamer,
Jam der Jame Schwert gejam;

Alle Jamen jamen Brüder,
Wo dein jamfter Jamel weilt.
Seid jamschlunjam, Milliojam!
Diesen Jamß der jamzen Jam!
Jamer, jamerm jamenjam
Jam jam jamer Jamer jamen.

After suffering a jam-drought brought on by forgetfulness and laziness, to return to the land of jam is merveilleux.

(NB: falafels and hummus is an acceptable alternative comestible.)

Thursday, 7 April 2011

The name can stay.

I was mildly worried that I might have to amend the name of this dear little planetoid: I hadn't eaten a banana in about six months. The most wonderfully packaged fruit with the smoothest taste and I had been shunning it, and pretty much all fruit, in favour of easier-to-deal-with vegetables.

(How on Earth Bananaworld is a potato easier to deal with than a banana...??)

Anyway, the bananafast was broken by a couple of suitably softly sweetly ripened examples of Musakind.

Om nom nom nom.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

2011 so far

A mixed start to the new year...

01.01.11 - A day so unremarkable that I truly have no memories of what occurred.

02.01.11 - (te + Sup/down - N-# + solmud + I + d + Mfresh +Tcold + PR) x PopnDom = τ

teearly start
N-#the extra gears I wish I had
solmudthat unique colloidal suspension of Lower Greensand/chalk and mulched native leaves in meltwater-diluted horse poo-brown water
Isuprising and welcome midwinter sunshine
dthe view from Holmbury Hill that's impossible to tire of
Mfreshnon-central London air
Tcoldinitially frozen toes that gradually thaw
PRrealising the perfect tyre pressure halfway into the ride
PopnDomexcellent company
τtime ideally spent

03.01.11 - a day of waiting around; spying on the soon-to-be competition; learning about the barely-hidden poverty in one of richest cities in the world; and wondering just what to do about the really quite astonishingly muddy bicycle in the garage that wasn't there two days ago...

04.01.11 - the Moon's crossing of the ecliptic for the second time in a fortnight is again theoretically visible in South London and the weather is identical on both occasions:

Actually, that's perhaps being a little too generous with the interest level provided by the clouds. It was probably more like this:

(Discalimer: representative images generated using the airbrush tool. Actual in-game graphics may vary.)

Things to do this year (not resolutions as those are merely made to be broken): extract finger; write viable business plan and implement it; reforge long, lost friendships; embark upon more for-leisure bicycle rides; realise that, even though maths & physics exams have been aced with no revision so far, college work outside of colege has its place; actually at least start to learn to play the damn drums, and who knows, maybe the ukelele too; make more delicious cake.