Cycling City: A How-to

Bristol has been chosen to become 'our' first cycling city. Measures will include more cycle training, dedicated cycle routes and “state-of-the-art facilities for cyclists commuting to the city centre” and... that's it! Can I be amongst the first to say: RETARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That bunch of bullshit doesn't make a city a cycling city, it just makes a few cyclists (not sure which ones) go “oh goody” and it makes lots of politicians etc. feel better about themselves. No, crap like that is NOT the way to make a “cycling city”, this is how to do it...

How to make a cycling city:

- Deny cars etc. access to lots of roads so cyclists can use them without getting fucked up/slowed down by fatarse cars.

- Build lots of speedbumps everywhere so fatty drivers have to actually slow down sometimes.

- 15mph speed limits where the above two points can't be used. Only for cars etc. obviously, and ENFORCE it using summary executions. Or fines.

- Just ban on-street parking. It's a crime against humanity and just makes cycling harder.

- Wanna drive a car etc. into a “cycling city”? Well, you better have one of those new-style driving licenses that require you to cycle at least x-hundred miles in busy traffic and write about your experiences and submit your scribblings to review by an ultra-cycle-centric committee of anti-car extremists (basically, to me). Not got one of these licenses? No? Well, shit, looks like you're using the park 'n' ride 'til further fucking notice, ay? And while we're at it, if you, dear motorist, answer anything other than “But road tax doesn't exist, it's Vehicle Excise Duty” to the question: “Should cyclists pay road tax?” you get banned from driving for mucho long time and a kick up the arse.

You see the difference between pussies making a city a cycling city and cyclists making a city a cycling city? Basically, a city can't be a cycling city if it allows motorists to just continue doing whatever they please.

Cyclists are not the problem. Cars etc. ARE the problem. Geddit? THE PROBLEM IS THE CARS. The solution is NOT putting cyclists on some random sodding disused railway on the fringe of town or even giving them cycle training to help cope with constantly getting shat on by motorists. Maybe, as I cyclist, I don't want to use some meandering dedicated cycle route full of broken glass, dog shit and knife-wielding hoodlums. Maybe I just want to get to wherever I'm going. Maybe the quickest way to do that is to use one of the well-established routes already in place. I think they're called roads. And how do we make the roads “cyclist friendly”? See above, baby, see above.